


It's All Coming Back To Me Now

by getyourfaceoutofmyface



Series: Songbook [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Cannon, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-28 23:32:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16252052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/getyourfaceoutofmyface/pseuds/getyourfaceoutofmyface
Summary: Aaron's thoughts on the road of life with Robert.Yes. This is a fic set to "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion.I have no regrets.





	It's All Coming Back To Me Now

**There were nights when the wind was so cold  
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it   
Right outside the window  
There were days when the sun was so cruel   
That all the tears turned to dust   
And I just knew my eyes were drying up forever**

He was the other man. He was the sordid secret. And he’d let it happen. Skipped along behind Robert, happy for what little affection and attention he would toss in Aaron’s direction. Because when it was just them it was everything. Stripped bare to each other, a Robert that Aaron had always been so certain no one else got to see. And he loved him, he’d gone and fallen off the cliff edge. Aaron would have done anything for him. Had done. He’d tortured himself over Katie. He’d punished himself for ever loving Robert to begin with. He’d punished himself for loving a man who wasn’t his to covet. He’d covered up a murder, an accident, whatever you called it. Someone was dead.

Because. He. Loved. Robert.

But to go after Paddy, the one person Aaron knows he wouldn’t have made it this far without. For Robert to try and hurt the man who shaped Aaron into who what he was. The person Robert claimed to love. He told Aaron he loved him. That Chrissie wasn’t enough. Aaron has eaten up every word. Every lie. Because loving Robert was an illness and he wasn’t going to let it plague him anymore.

**********

**I finished crying in the instant that you left  
And I can't remember where or when or how   
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made**

He was vibrating he was so angry. Robert acting like Aaron owed him something for getting him out of prison. Like Aaron belonged there. Because Aaron was out of sight, out of mind. He’d never mattered to Robert. No one mattered to Robert. He cared only about himself. Aaron hated him. Loathed him. Wished he could pummel that smug look right off his face.

The face that used to light up when Aaron walked in the room. He must have imagined that. Imagined the hitch in Robert’s breath when Aaron brushed his hands across his skin. Imagined the sincerity in those eyes after a soft press of lips. Imagined the laughter and the teasing, the sarcastic banter that was layered in affection, adoration.

He must have imagined it all. His eyes were wide open now.

**********

**But when you touch me like this  
And you hold me like that   
I just have to admit   
That it's all coming back to me **

He needs to run but Robert won’t let him. Always interfering where he doesn’t belong. Always there in Aaron’s face. That beautiful smirk and that cocky shrug of his shoulders. Trying to convince Aaron to stay, like he matters to anyone at all. Aaron will never be the person picked first, not when there is another choice to be had. He just needs to go, get away from here. He can manage, he’s been doing it this long hasn’t he?

But he hurts everywhere and he’s just so tired, a weary that drags him down past the point of caring. He just wants to sink under, close his eyes and never wake up. He imagines it’s peaceful there.

“Cause I still love you.”

It warms him, that lie. A tether that stops him from falling completely, from going too far, finally unable to return. Aaron is saved. And he hates Robert for that.

**********

**When I touch you like this  
And I hold you like that   
It's so hard to believe but it's all coming back to me   
It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now**

Everybody can see him now. Everyone knows. He can’t hide from it anymore and he just wants to sink into the ground. He’d spent a lifetime convincing himself he wasn’t that thing, those moments, that he was so much more. He just never succeeded. He was always off, someone to worry about, someone to question. He has their pity when all he wanted was their pride.

Robert is there everytime he turns around. Wanting to help. Be a rock. Be something Aaron wanted so long ago, when it had mattered to him. Because it can’t matter now. Now is Robert seeing a child, not a man. Not flesh and blood and want.

Still the heat of Robert’s shoulder is warm against his cheek. Those arms feel stronger than before when they wrap Aaron in comfort. It takes him back, when they were more complicated but Aaron, he had been simpler. 

He was anything but that now.

**********

**There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light  
There were things I'd never do again   
But then they'd always seemed right   
There were nights of endless pleasure   
It was more than any laws allow **

Aaron wants to believe him, believe that Robert misses him. Wants him. Loves Aaron in the way Robert’s eyes seem to plead that he does. Because he wants to feel alive again and he can’t remember the last time he did. Hasn’t felt anything but dark and cold in so long that he forgets what fire feels like.

And he lays in bed at night and lets himself go back. To stolen moments and stolen husbands. To the ache that would spread into need and pleasure all from Robert’s fingertips. His lips. His weight pressing Aaron together, holding him down as he shattered them both.

He wants to believe but he still remembers. All of it.

**********

**Baby, baby  
If I kiss you like this   
And if you whisper like that   
It was lost long ago but it's all coming back to me **

He gives in. He gives up. He wants to scold himself but he can breathe again. Robert’s lips on his and the tenderness in his embrace is a homecoming. He feels for once he is where he needs to be. Where he wants to be.

They have never been the same place before and yet somehow they’re Robert.

**********

**If you want me like this  
And if you need me like that   
It was dead long ago but it's all coming back to me   
It's so hard to resist and it's all coming back to me **

After Aaron had dried his tears and drank his beer. After hours of congratulations that are well meaning but useless. After the weight of Robert’s thigh pressed into his as they sit side by side in the booth. After everything and all of it he wants, God does he want.

So he leads Robert up the stairs, ignoring the question and concern in those green blue eyes. He doesn’t want gentle or kind. He wants the anger and the bite that they have. That feeling of being angry at the need, resenting how much it gives you. How much it takes.

He silenced Robert with his lips. Strips him of his shirt and belt before he can be stopped. Relishes the feeling of Robert’s skin against his hands. Drinks in those muffled moans. Makes him feel powerful, like the man he used to be. The man he could have been.

But Robert pulls back and palms his cheek. Presses gentle kisses to Aaron’s cheeks, forehead. Aaron looks at him then, wills Robert to see what he needs.

Then the smirk is there and Aaron is pushed onto the bed and ravished. Strung out and pulled apart. Brought to life again as he let’s go.

**I can barely recall  
But it's all coming back to me now   
But it's all coming back**

**********

**There were those empty threats and hollow lies  
And whenever you tried to hurt me   
I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper**

He couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t look Robert in the eyes without the jealousy pulling at him from inside. He didn’t feel like enough. When had one person ever been enough for Robert? When had Aaron been enough for anyone?

And he’d fucked it up and now he was leaving. Walking away from his husband when they should be planning their lives together. 

Because when Aaron hurts himself he always has casualties. And he’ll make it up to Robert one day. He swears he will. 

***********

**There were hours that just went on for days  
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances   
That were lost to us forever **

They’d tried. God Aaron wanted to keep trying. But they were broken, so fucking broken. He knew he couldn’t keep it up. Couldn’t keep loving this man when every time he looked at him it hurt. It bled, in his heart and down his stomach. Because pain he could handle, but this. This was killing him.

A baby. With Rebecca. A future and a life that Aaron would always be on the outside looking in at. He would be a stranger to his husband’s family. And he hated himself. Hated what this made me feel, what it made him think. Hated the daydreams he would have where some tragedy gave him his life back.

“I do love you. I’ll always love you.”

And he would. Every part of him would love every part of Robert. It was woven into his DNA. It would always be him. Always.

But Aaron hadn’t been enough and he didn’t need a reminder of that every single day.

He pretended to be the strong one as Robert walked out of the door. Waited until he heard the car door slam and the tires squeal before he crumpled to the floor. 

Hours later he pulled himself up, folding his life with Robert into a small part of his brain, baring the way and leaving it behind. 

Survival. It was all he knew. He’d been a fool to believe life offered him anything else.

**But you were history with the slamming of the door  
And I made myself so strong again somehow   
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then**

**********

**But if I touch you like this  
And if you kiss me like that   
It was so long ago but it's all coming back to me**

Please. Please. Hear me Robert.

I need you. I love you. I know you.

We messed up. I messed up. But it’s right. It’s us.

“I’m actually a really good dancer.”

And Aaron feels whole again.

**If you touch me like this  
And if I kiss you like that   
It was gone with the wind   
But it's all coming back to me   
It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now**

*********

**There were moments of gold  
And there were flashes of light   
There were things we'd never do again   
But then they'd always seemed right   
There were nights of endless pleasure   
It was more than all your laws allow **

It shouldn’t be this easy. The moment Aaron closed the door he’s in Robert’s arms. He shouldn’t already be this keyed up, his body singing Robert’s praises since their fingers slid together. Small warmth in the bitter cold.

But it’s them, what they create. Too much and never enough. It was always beyond lust. Beyond want. It was something Aaron thought he’d imagined. Because nothing could have been this right.

But memories are just that, and they always pale in comparison to the real thing. 

He kisses the tears from Robert’s cheeks and soaks up every “I love you” that falls from their lips.

Home. He’s finally home

**Baby, baby, baby  
If you touch me like this   
And when you hold me like that   
It was gone with the wind but it's all coming back to me **

********

**When you see me like this  
And when I see you like that   
Then we see what we want to see all coming back to me **

He’s swinging Seb up in his arms. It’s Aaron’s first successful diaper change. He’s getting the hang of it. Maybe he won’t be such a bad step-dad after all.

Then Seb squeals, smiles down at him and Aaron feels a part of his heart crack open and glow. 

**********

**The flesh and the fantasies all coming back to me  
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now**

He wakes up wrapped in warmth. Robert is tangled around him, drooling on Aaron’s shoulder. There is a hand in Aaron’s hair and another on his hip.

He wants this, always.

Aaron holds himself together but Robert holds him close.

**********

**If you forgive me all this  
If I forgive you all that   
We forgive and forget and it's all coming back to me**

He’s proud of himself. He’s proud of them. But mostly he’s proud of Robert. The man who loves his son without reservation. Who looks at Aaron like he hung the moon, and stars and possibly the sun.

And he sees all of him. The insecure boy. The lonely man. He fills him up and softens the edges. Let’s loving Robert be enough until he too can see that he is so much more than Robert knows. 

And that Aaron is actually the lucky one.

**When you see me like this  
And when I see you like that   
We see just what we want to see all coming back to me **

*********

**The flesh and the fantasies all coming back to me  
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now**

Eyes closed against the glaring sun he sinks into Robert. Because they’re choosing each other again. Forever.

Because they’d meant it before, of course they had. But this time they know what they’re promising. They know what it means.

And they really truly want it. Together.

When Robert’s head thuds against the hood Aaron can’t help but throw his head back and laugh.

He’s never felt so free.

*********

**And when you kiss me like this  
It's all coming back to me now  
And when I touch you like that   
It's all coming back to me now**

He knows they’re cheering. Claps and whistles. But all he can feel is Robert’s hand on his neck, their lips pressed together. 

Happy tears slide down his cheek. He can feel the smile bursting out of him. Both of them.

Husband and husband.

**If you do it like this  
It's all coming back to me now  
And if we**


End file.
